08 July, 2011

Late night stream of consciousness (Rant)

So I'm sitting here and it's 11:00 at night. Not really "late night" for some people, but I'm usually in bed. Tonight, I can't sleep. I miss my bed, and I miss being able to go to sleep without wondering, "did I lock Ashley in her cage?" I'm just tired of house sitting for mom and dad and I want them to hurry on their way home. I still have all of tomorrow and probably at least half of Sunday to go. And I'm just tired of it.
Yes, I love the central air and the washer/dryer being up on the main floor and not having to go up the stairs to get Little I when he starts crying. But I'm tired of the dogs. And not having "my" stuff. Everything here is theirs and I know that if it's not perfect when they get back I'm going to get an ear full. Never mind that I put my life on hold to watch your house. Never mind that you didn't leave your house clean when you left. I'm still going to get yelled at because it's not exactly how you think it should be.
I think that next year I'm going to use my vacation to go down there and stay in a hotel, drive my own vehicle, and be on my own schedule. Of course I'll have to be there for the obligatory family meals and stuff like that, but I won't have to be worrying about messing up Little I's bedtime or nap time or being yelled at for my parenting style. Or that when I say anything that sparks an argument with B, I'm the one who gets yelled at. Let alone if I tell her how to do something for Little I, that ends with her saying, "well then I just won't ever do _____ for you anymore" (the blank being: watch him, play with him, whatever happens to be at the root of that fight at the moment) Or "You just don't appreciate me. You never say thank you." to which I reply that I do say thank you, but I say thank you to the person who actually does what she was supposed to do. (She used to watch him for me during class. She wouldn't do any of the normal things a babysitter should do (feed him, change his diaper), and then mom (or my grandma) would step in and take over).

You know what makes me mad? Back when he was a baby, I had to fight to do things for him when I was with my family. They always took him from me and would change his diaper, feed him, do whatever. Now? if he needs ANYTHING they always say, "go tell mommy". Really? Like I don't do everything on my own already. Maybe I only come here seeking some sort of reprieve? I have had him every waking hour of the day, have changed endless diapers, fixed every meal, cleaned everything that needed cleaned, and you can't find it in yourself to put some water in his cup or change his diaper when he has only peed?? (Mom will fill his cup for me if I ask and she's already in the kitchen, but it mostly ends with me going in the kitchen myself. And will SOMETIMES change his diaper if I practically force her... I get the diaper and throw him on the couch next to her)

And would it kill you to have him overnight once in a while? The last time she kept him overnight--not counting the half-night when I put him to bed and went with dad and B to the midnight premiere of Green Lantern and came home and got up with him at 6:30--was for my birthday.... in January. Or maybe it was the first Friday/Saturday of February.. I can't remember.

And even when she keeps him, it's not like I can do anything. I can't even properly sleep in because she usually wants me to pick him up at 8 or 10. When my sisters and I were growing up, my parents had every Tuesday night and ALL DAY Wednesday off in the summer. We spent the night at my grandparents' house for Grandma Day. And Mamaw and Papaw kept us whenever mom and dad wanted them to.

I get it. I got pregnant at a very inconvenient time. I had a baby out of wedlock. And everyone constantly says how "supportive" a family I have. Why? because they didn't disown me? Yes, my parents let me pay them half the rent they normally expect for my side of the rental property. However, once Justin moved out, they totally could have just let Little I and I move back in to my old room... but no, they had already given that to B.

Wow, this has really gotten off track! Not that there was a track, really. But now that Little I has woken up (briefly, I hope) It's time for me to cuddle him and go to sleep. :-)

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